Month: April 2020

Quarantine. It’s affected us all, whether we like to admit it or not. The first couple of weeks were like living in a sort of liminal stage, stuck between normal life and the looming prospect of an entirely different reality. It was scary but also kind of exciting, like when the roller coaster car is slowly climbing up to the peak of the tallest hill.

I have spent the past couple of years working as the shipping/receiving manager for a high end interior design company based here in my city. My partner works for the city government and was put on administrative leave at the same time schools were cancelled, so she was able to homeschool while I continued working. It was difficult but manageable, we instituted “Camp Nina”, complete with a schedule that included a couple of hours of learning interspersed with playing outside, snacks, and (of course) ample amounts of screen time. This worked great until about three weeks ago, when most of our staff was furloughed due to Covid-19. As you can imagine, the closure of our four stores immediately stopped a large amount of cash flow, the cash flow that was paying our salaries. 

This liminal stage is what I’ve now deemed “Quarantine Lite”.

Quarantine Lite was when we weren’t sure how long this was all going to last and had high hopes school wasn’t done for the year. We were still working and joked about being “essential” after all the restaurants and bars were forced to close. We weren’t quite ready to face the reality that life as we knew it was coming to an end. Students were excited to be home for an extra week or two of spring break and teachers weren’t exactly sure how to work this while online learning thing, so assignments were easy and minimal.

Enter Quarantine Pro.

Quarantine Pro is a whole different monster. For instance – school won’t be back in session until next year, so it’s up to parents to homeschool their kids for the next 6(ish) weeks. For my family, that’s when the QP monster reared it’s ugly head. The new school week started and it was like HO-LY COW. Wow. When your kids go to one of the top ten schools in the state, a school that prides itself on the caliber of education it’s come to consistently produce, and you’re all suddenly forced to do school at home…well… homeschooling becomes a full time job.

Quarantine Pro is when you realize that life is never going back to normal. It’s when you wake up shaking because you weren’t quite ready for everything to change. I live in Florida, where the unemployment fiasco has reached fever pitch levels of ridiculousness, I just now received a payment – the federally funded $600 – with $0 from the state – after filing at the beginning of this month. With most childcare options shut down in my state and homeschool looming for the next 5 weeks, I don’t have any choice but to stay home and homeschool my kids. My job is trying to work with me, but it’s hard to do shipping and receiving from home. I knew my son struggled with focus, but when it takes him two hours longer and twice the one on one time it takes the other two, I am faced with the reality that he will need help from professionals next year. I struggled deeply with ADHD as a child, facing some of that deep hurt is not something I was expecting or ready for.

I think that’s part of what makes Quarantine Pro so difficult – we are all facing a myriad of realities that we can largely ignore on a daily basis. We are facing our own mortality. We are facing financial crises that we haven’t seen the likes of for 10+ years, if ever. We are facing issues with our families that are painful and hard. We are scared for our children, our parents, our friends, and ourselves. We are scared for our relationships. We are scared about food. We are just plain scared.

I do know that it will all be okay though. The ecomony will slowly recover, though it will never be quite the same. We will be able to venture out again, though it may be with masks intact, holding in our smiles as much as our germs. As Glennon Doyle loves to say, “We can do hard things,” and this is no exception. Hold on to your hope, my friends, this too shall pass.

Love to you all.

 

As I sit here scrolling through Instagram, it hit me how we are constantly being programmed, even through positive messages. “Find yourself someone who makes you smile at nothing when you’re at work.” On one hand, I have a relationship like that and it’s great and I want it for everyone. That’s okay. On the other, it invokes this sense of anxiety if you don’t currently have a relationship like that…. but maybe you don’t need to be in a relationship right now. That’s okay too.

I have had the privilege of experiencing a lot of the things that supposedly make us happy. I have a loving and fulfilling relationship. I have a job that pays well and money in the bank. I have three well behaved children who are healthy and loved by many. I have a family who loves me, even though we disagree over issues like religion and my choice in a female life partner.

To many on the outside, it appears I may “have it all”, so it would be surprising to learn I still struggle with feeling happy. I still worry I’m not fulfilling my life’s purpose. I still fear losing my partner or one of my children. I still struggle with getting enough sleep, having dark circles, and multiplying gray hairs.

Perfection is not the point, most of us know that, but do we also know that the next best thing is not the point? Do we know that what everyone else thinks is also not the point? Being happy all the time is not realistic, even the most successful people aren’t happy all the time. Not knowing your purpose is okay, even Mother Teresa doubted her purpose. Feeling down or lost is okay, Albert Einstein struggled his entire life with feeling accepted and understood.

One is the best things I ever discovered about myself (and humanity in general) is that we are our own “worst” programmers! We are the ones who are constantly comparing ourselves to others and gobbling up self-help advice to “fix” ourselves. And it’s not really our fault – of the many various programs our brains, bodies, and subconscious minds run, did you know we are actually biologically programmed to seek novelty as well as stability? Talk about being pulled on two different directions! I have a diagnosis of ADHD and it is thought that the novelty seeking drive is actually stronger in those with ADHD. I wondered for years why I always seemed to be so dissatisfied with my life when others had less and seemed perfectly happy.

Nowadays, when I feel that itch of boredom and restlessness, I remind myself to breathe, sit with it, and ask questions. Am I really unsatisfied? Do I really feel I made a bad decision or am I just seeking a quick adrenaline fix because it blocks out the fear for a while? There have been times that I did, in fact, make a bad decision… But most of the time, I’m letting my fear get in the way of the truth.

I say all this just to encourage you all to remember to be kind to yourselves and give yourself a break. You’re human and that’s okay, you’re human on purpose.It’s okay to feel bored, it’s okay to feel unsatisfied, those are all very normal, it’s what propels us toward growth. It’s also okay to crave stability and routine, it keeps us grounded. However, if it’s chronic and interferes with your life, maybe it is time to consider a change. I would encourage any of you who are at that level to seek out a trusted advisor and/or a good therapist to talk it through.

Love to you all.

I have three kids – Karis (10), Jacob (7), and Abigail (5). Like most siblings, they somehow manage to be complete opposites in some ways and very similar in other ways. Both Karis and Jacob are born creatives, they live and breathe art, whereas Abby only draws one picture at the moment – a sun, always on the right, with a scribble of blue for the sky and a big green hill below – and bemoans her lack of artistic talent. However, Abby is the kindest and most generous by nature, we never had to teach her to share. In fact, I have to watch and make sure she doesn’t give too much of what she has and ends up with nothing!

Surprisingly though, Abby is also known throughout our household (and her after-school care and her day care before that) as quite the tantrum thrower. Often times, these tantrums are triggered by not getting her way – a simple “not right now” can escalate into an hour of screaming, name calling, and stomping before she slowly rides that wave of emotional upheaval down to deep sobs. I’m exhausted and angry, she’s exhausted and hurt, and the rest of the family feels like they’ve been chained to a roller coaster with no brakes.

We’ve been working for years with Abby on her fits and having to home-school during quarantine has only brought more of the same. We were so exhausted by the end of week one that we knew we had to do something – but what? I had been searching for a therapist that worked with her insurance, but lock down made it nearly impossible to get in with anyone. My partner, Nina, had the idea of going on YouTube (because we all know YouTube can teach you to fix anything) and seeing what Nanny Jo had to say about tantrums. We found an episode with a 6 year old girl and the introduction of the “naughty carpet.” During that episode, the light bulb over my head flickered to life – only one thing has seemed to work consistently in de-escalation with Abby and I was pretty sure that I could incorporate it into the idea of the naughty carpet (or rug).

I have found that more often than not, offering (but not forcing) a hug is the best way to help Abby break that anger cycle and get re-centered in her body. I also suspect that physical touch is her receptive love language (as giving gifts is obviously her expressive one!). As you can probably imagine, it’s very hard to stop everything you’re doing to hug a small child who has just yelled that you are a “poopy head” in front of a very large audience at the grocery store, but nevertheless, I know that it’s up to me to guide her in understanding her own emotions, often while having to remain in tight control of mine.

So, we have figured out a system in which we can help Abby practice self-regulation while allowing her to have her feelings and I wanted to share it here in case someone else is struggling with the same issue. In true “Super Nanny” style, we deemed the kitchen rug as Abby’s special rug. Rather than labeling it the “naughty rug”, we divided it into two sections with blue painters tape and gave each side a specific purpose. The left side is the “I’m angry” side and the right side is the “I want a hug” side. She may choose either side she wants when she is ramping up to throw a fit (or in the middle of one already), with the understanding that if she chooses the left side, she is not allowed to yell and scream even though she is angry. If she does, she must go on a rainbow rug right outside in the (very safe) garage until she is ready to not yell. She also has the choice of going to the “hug” side, with the understanding that if she does choose this side, she must immediately stop any fit throwing and be ready to give a hug and have a talk about her feelings and behavior.

Because it’s a very concrete boundary, and one she can understand thoroughly at 5, it has worked really really well for us. I’m hoping that this early understanding of self-regulation will help her in other areas of her life as well.

Are there any creative disciplines you’ve found work well for your family? Please share!