I have three kids – Karis (10), Jacob (7), and Abigail (5). Like most siblings, they somehow manage to be complete opposites in some ways and very similar in other ways. Both Karis and Jacob are born creatives, they live and breathe art, whereas Abby only draws one picture at the moment – a sun, always on the right, with a scribble of blue for the sky and a big green hill below – and bemoans her lack of artistic talent. However, Abby is the kindest and most generous by nature, we never had to teach her to share. In fact, I have to watch and make sure she doesn’t give too much of what she has and ends up with nothing!
Surprisingly though, Abby is also known throughout our household (and her after-school care and her day care before that) as quite the tantrum thrower. Often times, these tantrums are triggered by not getting her way – a simple “not right now” can escalate into an hour of screaming, name calling, and stomping before she slowly rides that wave of emotional upheaval down to deep sobs. I’m exhausted and angry, she’s exhausted and hurt, and the rest of the family feels like they’ve been chained to a roller coaster with no brakes.
We’ve been working for years with Abby on her fits and having to home-school during quarantine has only brought more of the same. We were so exhausted by the end of week one that we knew we had to do something – but what? I had been searching for a therapist that worked with her insurance, but lock down made it nearly impossible to get in with anyone. My partner, Nina, had the idea of going on YouTube (because we all know YouTube can teach you to fix anything) and seeing what Nanny Jo had to say about tantrums. We found an episode with a 6 year old girl and the introduction of the “naughty carpet.” During that episode, the light bulb over my head flickered to life – only one thing has seemed to work consistently in de-escalation with Abby and I was pretty sure that I could incorporate it into the idea of the naughty carpet (or rug).
I have found that more often than not, offering (but not forcing) a hug is the best way to help Abby break that anger cycle and get re-centered in her body. I also suspect that physical touch is her receptive love language (as giving gifts is obviously her expressive one!). As you can probably imagine, it’s very hard to stop everything you’re doing to hug a small child who has just yelled that you are a “poopy head” in front of a very large audience at the grocery store, but nevertheless, I know that it’s up to me to guide her in understanding her own emotions, often while having to remain in tight control of mine.
So, we have figured out a system in which we can help Abby practice self-regulation while allowing her to have her feelings and I wanted to share it here in case someone else is struggling with the same issue. In true “Super Nanny” style, we deemed the kitchen rug as Abby’s special rug. Rather than labeling it the “naughty rug”, we divided it into two sections with blue painters tape and gave each side a specific purpose. The left side is the “I’m angry” side and the right side is the “I want a hug” side. She may choose either side she wants when she is ramping up to throw a fit (or in the middle of one already), with the understanding that if she chooses the left side, she is not allowed to yell and scream even though she is angry. If she does, she must go on a rainbow rug right outside in the (very safe) garage until she is ready to not yell. She also has the choice of going to the “hug” side, with the understanding that if she does choose this side, she must immediately stop any fit throwing and be ready to give a hug and have a talk about her feelings and behavior.
Because it’s a very concrete boundary, and one she can understand thoroughly at 5, it has worked really really well for us. I’m hoping that this early understanding of self-regulation will help her in other areas of her life as well.
Are there any creative disciplines you’ve found work well for your family? Please share!